My son after GBS

I am writing this post more for parents whose children have/had Guillain-Barré syndrome, or GBS for short. Since this disease is rare and information is scarce, I know how hard it is to find first hand information out there. I also know that there are some who post in forums and search engine sites but if you're like me who doesn't fancy reading exchanges through forums, then this post is for you.

To give you an overview, here are my boys details:

>He had his MMR booster/vaccination on June 13, 2014. He was 1.1 years old at that time

(After that, I cannot remember exact dates but here's what happened)

>He developed cough and flu like symptoms on June 16 after we went swimming in the river

>We did self-medication of anti-biotics on June 22 due to on-off fever of 38-39 degrees

>His fever stopped but his physical condition got worse after that and by June 26, he was much much weaker and couldnt stand up

>The first pedia misdiagnosed it as dehydration and we started on fluids on June 26 but since he wasnt getting better, we brought him to another doctor on June 30

>He was confined on June 30 and diagnosed with GBS on July 1

>We started with IV IG on the night of July 2 and stopped on July 6

>He was discharged on July 8 and did Physical Rehabilitation until September 2014(3 months)

>He was able to walk again in October 2014

The first day he was able to walk again ^_^

Here are info that I still remember from our hospitalization

> My son vomitted on the last night of the IV IG procedure. Doctors said it is not a normal response to the IG so they deemed it safe to continue the intake. He also vomitted the day after that and though the doctors think it might be caused by overfeeding, I think it was due to high blood pressure because at that time, my son's bp was ranging from 110-120/80, pretty high numbers for a toddler. IV IG causes high blood pressure since its basically concentrated form of blood/anti-bodies.

> Doctors told us that he will be able to walk approximately 6 months to a year after he was discharged though he was able to do it in 3 months. They say that GBS progresses more quickly in younger patients but the good side is, since their bodies have not been exposed to "damage" from unhealthy food, alcohol, etc., they also recover more quickly, which was the case for him since he had it so young. We take this as a big blessing from God because I have watched videos of GBS patients in hospitals who were bedridden for MONTHS.

Life Two Years after GBS

Now, our son is up and about and people who never knew his illness wouldnt know that he had to face such a condition. However, we believe that his body has not "fully recovered" from the trauma of the disease because

1. In those 3 months that he was unable to walk, we view it as a recuperating process, meaning that when he was able to walk in October, he was back to his old self in June. Thus, we technically lost about 6 months in development since he was not able to move forward for 4 months and because he was still recuperating as time went by, his over all development only continued a few months after he was able to walk again. Thus, when I look at my boy who is 2 years and 11 months old, I believe his over-all development is closer to that of a 2 year and 6 month old boy, given that he was able to catch up a bit from the delay. His peers are much taller than him and are able to talk more. However, I believe the situation also enabled him to develop his socio-emotional skills better- because he understands sharing, time outs, saying sorry and remorse, as well as pretend play(which I normally saw in 3 and 4 year olds when I was a teacher).

2. It is hard to look for scientific evidence for it but I think trauma caused him to be delayed in speech and other areas of development. I am constantly looking for mothers' accounts that say that after a traumatic experience, their child seemed unwilling to try to talk. GBS was traumatic for our son in 2 accounts- he understands the medical staff's work and fears all of them from doctors to nurses to medical technician and he remembers the experience of being unable to walk during and after the sickness. At present, our son would only talk a few words- family members, a few animals, food he likes and for the rest, rely on gestures to express himself.

Such a water baby! A video at the beach of informal speech practice

3. Be wary of some doctors, because not all are genuinely interested to help you. 

Given the rarity of the disease, curiosity and technicality gets the better of some doctors, and to date we experienced 4 doctors. 1) During our hospitalization, we encountered a doctor who rated my son's physical movement as 0(I believe on a scale of 1/5) and it was really really upsetting, seeing my son exert effort to move his legs. 2) A different one, a resident(who I believe has not encountered a pediatric GBS case before) asked me over and over again information about his history, information she would been able to see on the chart.

Afterwards, it was extra hard to find pediatricians that we trust and believe can cure our son's sickness unrelated to GBS. 3) One profusely argued with me about the connection of vaccines and the syndrome. 4) Another treated my son like a fragile glass and concluded that he is ultra-sensitive and thus prohibited from getting sunlight, eating chocolates and doing anything else that might be dangerous or cause allergies. She even advised us to lessen salt in our dishes, which as far-fetched as it may sound, seem to come from her desire for me to lose weight given that I'm overweight and had nothing to do with my son. It took a while of trials and errors before we were able to find the perfect fit, a doctor that we trusted to truly be able to cure him for other diseases and illnesses. 

I'll end this note by saying that experiencing GBS was one of the hardest yet meaningful experiences my husband and I had as parents. It's one of those things that you wish came with a manual but at the same time brought out the best in us, and show us that other than what we have previously done, we are capable of more love as parents. 

If there are other things you wish to discuss or simply want to talk to somebody about the experience, feel free to drop me a line!

Cheers!

What your HR officer wont tell you

MY BLOG IS ALIVE!

GOD, JUST FELT SO GOOD TO WRITE AGAIN.

Not smart, but I just had to :)

I am about to leave this company where I'm currently working at and it is bittersweet that I will do it because this has been my third HR stint and probably my last, because I am shifting into a new field in a couple of months. Just like any other relationship, working here and in my previous HR jobs has had many ups and downs but the definite, irrevocable, big time up is how much I've learned. So before I leave to venture off into another world of my career I am not yet sure of, I decided to write a post that pays homage to the three biggest gems of knowledge I have gained so far.

*Disclaimer: I came up with this on my own, it's your call to believe a thing or two that I say.

1. Employees live for the moment, Employers look at the bigger picture.

You can give employees full board meals, top of the line HMO, unlimited coffee, a gazillion leave credits but the moment they get a memo, they will probably talk back. As a former General Manager I knew said, you cannot teach people how to feel. Hence, as with any other relationship, some people are not able to bounce back from a tragedy or bad moment, so even if they've like their job so far, if they can risk losing the job or being a bad apple, they will do it.

Employers, on the other hand, look at employees as a puzzle piece and how you affect or will affect the company and everybody else as a whole. You can be a total ass but if the boss feels like you generate a lot more money than your peers, he's more likely to keep you. Another example is that, you can say that a Christmas basket costs only a hundred bucks but multiply that to a hundred employees and it's a small fortune.

LESSON: As an employee, don't make decisions when you're upset and always work the extra mile because though you don't feel like it, your boss sees that. 

2. Employment is all about gain versus loss.

My boss phrases it as rubber band- it's all about which pulls you more. Whether you're an employer or an employee, your decision gravitate toward your priorities, whether you realize it or not.

Funny thing is, from an employee's perspective, I believe that even though we work, the actual work we do has very little to do with our sense of fulfillment about doing it and has more to do with the intricate and complex things surrounding it such as the salary, the people we work with, etc, etc. In that case, that intricate mix, I believe has more to do with our stay in a job.

In my case, for example, I taught for a year but didnt really enjoy it because of 1)the salary and 2)the horrible, horrible boss I had. I mean the kind that makes you rethink going to work every.freaking.day. So even though I liked my kids, I decided to leave. 

3. In as much as Employees market themselves, Employers market themselves too.

If you apply in a company wherein their comfort room stinks or the receiving area is very very dim, or you saw an employee blatantly opening NSFW websites, run the first chance you get.

As an applicant, your thinking is that there are a dozen other applicants vying for the same position as you so you play your A game and bring everything to the table.Right?

However, hasn't it occurred to you that the Employer should be doing the same? True, you have to impress them about your credentials but in the same way, you, as the employee, are promising them a portion of your lifetime to generate income for their company and improve or contribute to the success of the business. Hence, if at the onset, the company, or any portion of it doesn't "feel right", don't be afraid to say no and look elsewhere. Because employers work on these deals without you knowing and of course not saying it point-blank, so a company that fails to impress you on your application process might not do so ever.

Hope all this chitchat was helpful one way or the other, and I hope for my own sanity, that I'll be able to blog much much sooner at shorter intervals. Ciao!

Aligaga- Day In, Day out. Repeat

Reese was sick for more than two weeks- from cough to GBS to physical therapy and without thinking twice, I would tell you that it has been the hardest since our parenting days began. Before I started this entry, I thought I had my thoughts collected but as I went along, I found myself lost for words. 

Remembering how sick he was at this point breaks my heart </3

Because that's the thing with parenting. Some say and you tell yourself as well that it gets easier as they age but it doesnt. I remember my mom quoting an officemate, who complained that her son asked her mommy to buy milk for her apo. Mom's officemate complained that she thought her problems would end after her son got married but my mom just laughed and said "Buti kung hindi mo na anak yun kapag nagasawa na."- Short of saying that parenting concerns change as they age but it's parenting nonetheless.

When Reese was newborn, the hardest thing was waking up every two hours to feed him and I told myself that it'll be better when he gets older. When he got older, he liked playing at around 2 or 3 am and watch music videos so still, the sleep was elusive. When he turned 5 months, he slept soundly through the night but he would roll over a lot, so Arnold and I had to sleep in an L-formation so he wouldn't fall off the bed. When we moved to our new home, he quickly learned how to go down the bed by himself so we had to wake up when he did because he's walk towards plugs and appliances in a jiffy.

See, that's how crazy parenting is. It's a double bladed sword in the sense that it's the thing that brings me the most joy and yet it's the thing that can hurt the most. It's inevitable when you love something so purely, when you love somebody beyond the way you love yourself.

Somehow, most days, it's the hardest to find that sweet spot of loving your child just enough so that they know it without causing him or myself damage. Every morning, I struggle to leave because it's when we bond the most, but at the same time, I don't want be late for work. I have to manage our finances well but every car and musical toy and pajama set and comfy shirt seem for Reese seem to wink at me. These are everyday choices as parents and most days, I have to keep "personal score" to make sure that I'm not leaning too much towards one side.

So yes, I'm usually aligaga, still trying to figure out how to be a good parent and balancing it between cooking meals and being a wife and work and part time jobs and mountaineering and family stuff. I hope that you, my dear reader is doing just fine doing more or less the same thing. Until the next post!

The fault in our stars(or at least in mine, hobby wise)

This isn't some profound analysis of the book, nope. I think I am way behind my literature stock and my writing practice to do that. Nope, this is about me(well sorry to be blunt about it- this is, after all, my blog) and my somehow "lost" lust for reading.

I cannot specifically remember when I realized it but before I graduated from high school, I was addicted to reading. I somehow managed to buy most of the Sweet Valley books that were on sale in National bookstore, I've borrowed one too many Love Stories, I've read Noli Me Tangere before school started(yup, that geeky), and I was hooked to Harry Potter. This might be social suicide, but I did enjoy them Tagalog pocketbooks too. Ahahaha!

Teenage years' memories included a loooot of these :)

It continued until College and even until I started working- I remembered promising myself that my first paycheck would include a book purchase and it did- I think I bought a Paulo Coelho book. But somehow, life happened. Shit happened. I started getting into hiking, into trying out new restos- all those phony things that yuppies do- drink expensive coffee, watch movies a lot, travel, buy too many clothes and shoes and gadgets and what nots that they don't actually need. So to cut the story short, reading material became way way low on my budget priority- and the most I did was buy magazines from time to time.

But every so often I would chance upon a book I like and buy it. I did buy my Harry Potter 6, hard bound for some 1,+++ pesos. I did buy Confessions of a Shopaholic and felt that it was worth every penny. I did buy other books and magazines in between and somehow I feel okay with that, even though I bought very little reading material to what I expected before I got a job. Somehow I didnt consider this as a loss but rather freeing myself from what I used to think was reading lust

Because I realize that to truly enjoy something, you must not be captive to that thing. You must be able to jump back to reality anytime you wanted, anytime you needed to.You must be able to define priorities, real ones at that and not just reading lists and read a book when you truly have the time. So I came to terms with the fact that I cannot buy books on a regular basis and at most times have to do with free e-books or lent paper backs. I came to terms with it because it meant that I get to spend time with my family, go hiking, go grocery shopping, plant on a virtual farm on Facebook and stalk a few people's pages(aha!)

Must. have. more. croooooooops :P

So if you, dear reader somehow scold yourself for finding excuses not to do the things you want to, remember, that as John Green said in the book, some infinities are bigger than others. Maybe the other infinity you're attending too means more. Or maybe you just havent hit that perfect spot yet to give focus to this other one. The epiphany, the time, the resources, whatever it is that you need, I hope, will come to you, one way or another :)

An entry that is 373 days late

I gave birth to Reese on May 18, 2013 at 5:30 in the afternoon and yet I can remember most, if not all the details. This might be the longest kwento in my blog history ever, so brace yourself if you do decide to read it :)

I was at 38 weeks so I had weekly check ups, which was set on that day. It was Saturday and we arrived at the hospital past 10:00 am and we were wondering if the line in the outpatient clinic was long. We would go to Trinoma after, have lunch there, then sleep over at my in-laws, savoring our final weeks of "freedom" before Reese came. The week prior, my bp shot up to 140 from its usual 110 so I was excited to see if the meds worked.

11:30am

Lo and behold, when I stepped into Dr. Lim's clinic, it was still at 140. My doctor was concerned because the meds didn't work and asked me to buy a different one. Hubby said that when I was away, she expressed concern over my blood pressure, being that I'm already full term and could give birth every moment. I was feeling nervous myself and then she called a nurse and asked her to repeat taking my pressure just to be sure. Boom, it was 180/100.

12:30nn

The doctor said she couldn't let me go home with my bp so high. She said that if my bp goes down within the day, I can go home but if not, they would perform a c-section within the day. I was endorsed to the emergency room. In the ER, the nurse raised eyebrows at my very lavender nails(sorry, I was supposed to attend a wedding the week before if not for my bp!) and cleaned them. In a bit, they inserted a catheter which gave the weirdest feeling eveeeeer- it's like peeing non-stop  and you feel like it would fall off any moment, but not really. They also gave me a series of new meds, which were all supposed to lower my bp but to no avail. One was the weirdest of all as it made me feel as if my whole body was exposed to a gigantic hair blower, which lasted for about 15 minutes but even that didn't help. At about 1:00pm, an elderly guy walked in and was put in the bed next to mine and he kept breathing heavily. The nurses must have seen the horrified look on my face and pulled the curtains on my bed so I couldn't see the elderly man anymore.

Ang landi kasi ni buntis, ayan tuloi 

2:30pm

It has been more than 2 hours since I stepped in at the ER and believe it or not, it was only at this point that I gave up hopes of my KFC lunch in Trinoma. My BP would range between 150-170 so they decided to endorse me to the Labor Room. 

It was so weird going up the ramp- I felt like I would fall off any moment and I kept thinking on how embarrassing it would be to be probably the first person to fall off a hospital cot. (Pardon the mundane concerns I was thinking of, I have never been hospitalized in my life). I didn't fall off(thank goodness) and I passed by one other room where two women were in labor. I was brought to the second room and I was alone. I requested if I could talk to my husband but they said no, and it would have to wait. They continued what was being done downstairs- checking my bp, giving me meds, checking Reese's heart monitor. 

Since the heavily-breathing elder was gone and probably due to the cooler room temperature, my bp was between 140-160. I was elated but they didn't seem so. Reese's heart rate wasn't a concern, it was always between 130-145, which was really good and normal. In moments when the nurses went out, I would rub my belly and talk to him, but my little guy didn't seem to be in the mood for bonding.

The nurses acted as if I wasn't there and went about to talk about "stuff". There were two of them and one was named Jenny. She told the other that she has a salary dispute and went on to explain why and the other advised her on what to do. I was amused at how everything was so normal to them whereas I was undergoing one of the biggest moments of my life. I wasn't really angry, just amused at how nonchalant they were about the whole thing.

Another hospital staff came in and I wasn't sure if she was a doctor or a nurse. She gave me a piece of paper and asked me to write my baby's name on it. She came back in a bit and showed me two tags. One had my name and the other had Reese's. She went on to explain that I would wear my tag and if Reese would be born that day, he would wear the one with his.

After that, there were four people who were constantly checking on me- a very rude male doctor, a female staff and the two nurses. The female staff asked me to sign some forms and stuff. The rude male doctor injected magnesium on my butt cheeks, which he explained to me was supposed to prevent convulsions. He kept making jabs at my weight and bp, saying that I shouldn't eat too much chicharon the next time I get pregnant if I don't want him to inject that magnesium again in my butt. He's lucky that he was freaking ugly already, that mine and Reese's lives depended on his and that the magnesium hurt so bad. If not, I would have punched him right at his stupid unprofessional face till he looked like a goblin. He injected the magnesium one butt cheek at a time and it was the most painful thing ever out of this whole experience. I felt the magnesium seep through my body, passing through my veins and I stopped moaning after a while because it took away all the energy I had. I kept crying and all I wanted was for it to stop.

The rude doctor might have given a signal or something, or it was probably my ob, or Jenny the nurse might have settled her salary dispute but they did let me talk to Arnold after that. He was wearing a mask, lab gown and all, so that he'd be allowed to enter the labor room. He kept stroking my hair, as if I was a baby and he was much calmer than the Arnold who was with me in the ER. He told me not to be nervous, that my sister was waiting with him outside, that they'd be in the room once I got out. I just smiled and didn't let him know about the painful injection since it might cause him to panic again. We parted ways and he went outside again.

The female staff walked in and asked me if I was ready and said "Mommy, ready kana? wow! birthday na ni baby today". It sank in that yes, his birthday would be May 18, 2013. 5-18-13. I pondered if it would have been better if he was born on a different day and I realized that I didn't have a choice anyway, so whatevs. Dr. Lim walked in, all smiles and said that she'd do an IE. She said that my cervix was very much closed, that she talked to Arnold, and confirmed that we'd do the CS that afternoon. She said she doesn't want to take risks and when I nodded, she stepped out and a new set of staff assisted me to the delivery room.

4:45pm
They prepped me for surgery in the delivery room. I realized that there was nothing special about the room- it was like one big bathroom and it was actually the people and the equipment that made it remarkable. One of them was dismayed that my hooha wasn't shaved and said "Ay, hindi nga pala nagpapashave si Dra. Lim".  I wanted to answer back but the lady didn't talk to me at all so I thought, why bother? The anesthesiologist, Dr. Bernardino, did his first attempt to inject the anesthesia. It was easier said than done and before long, he asked the assistance of Jenny the nurse to help me bend so he can inject the meds. In a bit, he became successful and asked me a series of questions to check that the anesthesia was working. It was and though I could feel him poke my thighs, they were numb and he could've dropped a hammer and I wouldn't feel a thing. 

Doc Alice walked in and asked me, "April, ano na nga ulit baby mo?" Sabi ko " Boy po". Sabi nya, "start na tau". At this point, I couldn't see her anymore as the big cloth has been put to obscure my view. They started talking in technical terms as SOP that the operation has begun. Dr. Bernardino kept asking me to sleep but I didn't want to. I've never been hospitalized and damn it, I'd stay awake every freaking minute throughout this operation if I could. I did space out on certain times and when I asked if they've taken out Reese already, he replied, "ayun na sha o, yung umiiyak sa kabila". It was music to my ears. In next to no time, I knew that they were done and soon, one nurse was counting the instruments. Dr. Bernardino kept saying that he wanted Bulalo, and again, the normality was beyond me.

I couldnt believe that he was only 5.9 lbs, given how big my belly was

6:15PM

By this time I was mostly alone in the room except for a female nurse who I assume was designated to look after me. I told her it was hot, so she kindly turned on the air-conditioner back on and we didn't talk much. I asked her what time we would go up and she said at about 9pm. It was one of the longest waits of my life. I couldn't sleep and I kept looking at my belly and I thought that I should have taken a photo once I found out that this would be the last day of my pregnancy. 

9:00pm
The female nurse came back holding Reese and it was the most surreal moment of my life. I cant believe I was meeting the boy who was with me for nine months. I cant believe how small he was. I said "Anak, sinong kamukha mo?" and the nurse said "Baby sumagot ka nga." I guess it was hospital protocol and she showed me Reese's junk and his tag that was shown to me a while back.  It would have been the happiest moment of my life if not for the next thing that she said " Mommy, kakausapin ka po ni Doctora Roque, ung pedia".

Hindi ako sigurado kung sinong kamukha ni Reese- basta cgurado lang akong hindi ako

9:30pm
Dr. Roque talked to me in the alley and she then asked me the scariest questions you can ask a mom who just gave birth:

"Mommy, nagkasakit kaba nung buntis ka? Anong sakit mo? Uminom kaba ng gamot nung nagka-uti ka?"

"Regular kaba nagpapa-check up? Gaano kadalas? Kelan ka nagsimulang magpacheck-up"

"Mataas ang bacteria count ng baby mo, i-antibiotics natin sha. Ayoko mag take ng risk, huwag na natin hintaying maging malala si baby bago natin agapan kung kelan grabe na."

It broke my heart that Reese had to take meds being so young and that I would spend the night in the ob ward without him. I was poker-faced when I saw my hubby and my sister when I entered the room and I dunno how I survived until the next day- because I was delirious with hunger, thirst, the physical pain of the fading effects of anesthesia and the emotional pain of spending the night without my little boy.

Fast forward to today and Arnold and I are the parents to a boy who:

Loooooooooooooves going outside and swimming. 
Weighs about 12 kilograms, or more like a ton of limestone by the way it feels
Couldn't care less about what's on tv but likes dance music,especially mash ups
can say "tata" and "nana" to refer to Arnold and I, and "da-da" to things that he likes
I love more than anybody and anything in this world.

Happy 1st birthday and 8 days my dear. My blog post might be one year and 8 days late but worry not that my love is any less than the first day I met you <3

No matter how big you get, you will always be my baby boy :)

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

A mother's struggle: To spoil or not to spoil my child

Reese turned 10 months today and as crazy as it may sound, I(spare hubby since we havent really talked about it) am already having issues of having to spoil him- mostly in ways he does not even understand and cannot remember yet. 

Today I dropped by a bangketa to buy coin banks for myself and an officemate. Lo and behold I bought more than coin banks and found myself holding a toy car for Reese. The toy car was just 10 pesos so the question was not the price but this seemingly building habit of giving things he did not ask for and worse, he does not completely need- even taking out the "practicality" issue of toys because he already has a ton of toys at home.

I am worried that I will continue to be like this in the future, that I will keep buying things he does not need, I cannot afford, things that are less practical or things that should be earned but given to him the easy way. Let's not even get into things that he want because as early as now, he sometimes gets his way even if he isn't supposed to. Somehow, it is easier to let him eat that extra cracker even though he's full than to put up with his whining. 

I am deeply contemplating whether we should push through with his first birthday party. A few weeks ago, an opportunity to buy a house presented itself and everything was perfect except for the fact that we are highly relying on my parents to help us come up with the money initially and then to avail of a housing loan. The practical thing to do is to forego the party and just use our fund to help augment the amount but my stage mother genes are crying in protest. I cannot easily let go of the whole concept- the customized bubble bottle labels hubby and I printed and pasted, the Madagascar stickers I got and the jars I bought for the candy buffet. My head is still swirling with images of Reese wading in a swimming pool and children having a good time in his party. I wish there was an off button to it all, so that it won't have to pain me as much.

In as much as I want to pretend that I can stop it, I know for a fact that I would still have struggles like this in the future. As I have said time and again, parents can either love their children so much that they would give them the world or love them so little that they dont give a damn about their children. I love Reese with all of my heart and I just hope that somehow I would learn to be a responsible parent as well- a parent who disciplines her child the way my parents have done to me and one who knows boundaries and can say no. For the mean time, I would let the growling stage mother take the center spot and bask in the glory of bringing a 10-peso toy car to her 10th month old boy.

I should probably have another one in my work desk since it cheers me up knowing that
my darling boy is playing with this at home as well.

Forgive me for the cheesiness, he just turned 10th month today and coupled with PMS, they are the perfect recipe to a post like this.  :)

Tired. Just tired.

For about the last six weeks or so, Reese has been waking up at about 4am, sometimes even earlier every morning without fail. He would be demanding in the sense that he doesnt want to play if Arnold and I are sleeping, and wants one of us to bring him downstairs to his crib and play with him. 

Boy Likot, Boy Kulit and Boy daldal who hardly likes to stay put

There were days when it was okay and I would manage after snoozing in the car for a few minutes. But of late, it has been starting to build up, and weeks and days of being sleep deprived are creeping up on me.

I convince myself that it would be better on weekends, but weekends are usually filled with "personal" duties and tasks- buying tv for my grandmother, visiting the in-laws, getting the sister ready for prom, 3 day sale and what have you. Dreams of spending the whole day in bed are elusive, non-existent and close to impossible that an imaginary bitch(or possibly existential) might be laughing her head off somewhere as she watches my misery.

Ze sister on her prom day :)

Most people say they can get by on 5-6 hours of sleep everyday but I can't. I don't want to. I yearn the days when sleep was a privilege and not a luxury, not a treasure that was out of bounds. It sounds coo-coo but I wish people would invent pills or energy drinks that make up for the lack of sleep, not by giving you energy but by multiplying the effects of the sleep a person's get- like telling my body that I actually had 8 hours of sleep instead of 4. or 5. 

Today, my boss in my part time job sent me a message that she is alarmed about me being unable to meet the daily deadline and it gives me the creeps to think that I might get fired. I have been doing this raket for four years and I have no plans of stopping anytime soon, as it provides an outlet to continue practicing my teaching profession in one way or another.

So please, dear God, help me find a way to have more sleep without sacrificing time with Reese. or work. or our finances. Otherwise, please send a magic lamp with a genie that would magically allow my body to accept that days of 8 or more hours of sleep are simply a thing of the past. Calling my fairy godmother, if you have been hiding somewhere and have been planning on revealing yourself, now would be the perfect time to do so.

Thoughts On Baby # 2

Before you jump to conclusions, no, I am not pregnant, and no plans of having a second one within the year. Haha! However, I do admit that I am at a crossroad because of my check-up yesterday.


I had pre-eclampsia when I gave birth to Reese- My BP rose to 180/100 in the few hours leading to my c section. Reese had medication since his birthday for a week because he got affected by my UTI. After that, it took a while for my health to be back to "normal" and until now, my weight is slighter greater than what it used to be. Late last year, I had UTI again and there was still protein trace, a concern because my BP is still at 120 and it meant that my kidneys cannot process protein properly. The doctor told me that I had to do a repeat urinalysis after a few weeks and if there was still protein trace, I would have to do a kidney ultrasound and we would talk about the intervention from then.

Tuesday night, my hips hurt and so I decided to have a check up and finally do the repeat urinalysis. I was grinning like crazy when I saw the result- no more protein trace!! The doctor said the pain is probably from carrying heavy "things", and given that Reese is currently 9 kilograms, it was perfect understandable.

After that, the next thing that came to mind was baby # 2. Before, I was on a 70-30 standing that I dont want to have a second baby. Thinking about the sleepless nights of pregnancy, the things I werent allowed to do, the crazy hormones, the terrifying experience at the hospital, I was almost certain that Reese was enough. But that urinalysis did wonders in swaying my mindset.. I won't lie in saying that since Reese is a boy, we do want a daughter for a second baby.

I stayed in dreamland for the rest of the day thinking about pink tutus and ballerina gowns and doll shoes and the prospect of sharing boyfriend stories with an imaginary daughter.

and I'm back in dreamland :)

And so I decided that for us to really have a second baby(hopefully a girl), there are three conditions I want to set on myself

1. I must have transferred to a new job with better pay.
-The keywords here are transferred and better pay. Don't get me wrong, my present job isn't that bad but if I do get pregnant, it means having to stay another year or so, which I'm not sure if I am willing to do so. Second, our current income is barely enough for our expenses and if there will be another baby in tow, it wont be enough for the four of us.

It'll be nice if a baby girl is added to this equation <3

2. We must have moved to our real home

We currently live with my parents and though they have been nothing short of gracious to us. However, I would love for us to move to our home before we have baby #2- surely, my current room would be too small for four people

3. I must lose some weight!- 
Science would be on our opposing side if I keep on gaining weight so I'm planning to skip those tempting hotdogs, boiled corn, fudge sundaes and frappuccinos to increase our chances of having a second baby..(AND SO HELP ME GOD T_T)

As always, until the next thought bubble!

To partey or not to partey- the 25,000 php budget extra challenge birthday party planning

Had a chat with a coworker today who has a lot of similarities with me- in terms of her current life status. Her son is also about to celebrate his first birthday this year and she mentioned her budget for their son's birthday- 40,000(since it will include baptism expenses also)

I was taken aback because up until this point, I was hoping that our budget for Reese's birthday would be 20,000 php tops. However, reality bites and after our enlightening conversation, I did some math and came up with these figures

Hubby and I could come up with this money but I at this point, I'm not sure that spending 25,000 for a birthday party that our son wouldn't remember excites me as much as it did last week. All the more that I am not so keen on it because of our Bacolod trip a month later, which would cost around 15,000 as well. So even though I have posted a number of entries about a safari jungle themed birthday, I am still on the edge and contemplating  whether we should push through with this party or just buy a jumbo palanggana for our boy who loves swimming. Kung pwede lang mag-alaga ng manok na kakatayin sa birthday nya, ginawa ko na. ahahahaha...

So I pray for enlightenment, and that further discussions with hubby would go well and that I'd find ways to further compress and minimize this budget. Chop-chop!

Because a Facebook status is not enough...

Tomorrow, Reese will go on his first swimming trip and I was about to post a Facebook status but from all the things I wanted to say, it was getting longer and longer so I decided to just blog...

I can't believe it's been 6 months since he came to our lives, 6 months since I first started comparing diaper prices and their absorbing power. Hubby and I(to fair, mostly hubby) have been waking up once or twice at night to attend to his needs for 6 months. We have been washing cloth diapers, feeding bottles, buying milk and water and taking care of a bouncing baby boy for six months. 

I remember how our life was before he came before I got pregnant. I remember the sound sleep(which I still get more than hubby), the milk teas I was able to afford, the climbs I was able to join, and my arms were not bound to carry a boy who gets kilig (at the thought of roaming around the house) when we step out of the bedroom. I remember not caring that much if traffic is bad because hubby would understand if I come home late, not caring if die before 50 because I know I lived a good life, not caring if we don't have savings because at least, we enjoyed the things we loved.

But now that Reese is here, we would always wake up once or twice at night when he needs a changin' or milk; I only drink milk tea whenever I have excess pocket money; I get left behind on climbs and miss out the jokes and the photo ops; I am digging deep in my soul my non-existent singing talent to lull a baby to sleep; I get pissed when traffic is bad because it means less time with Reese; I am learning to save (I'll get there someday, promise!), I am trying my best to eat less meat because I wanna be strong and able for Reese when he becomes a father.

So what I really wanted to say was.....my heart is swelling with love, pride, and joy that he is growing so well, that he is in our lives, that I became a mom.. and no amount of milk teas I missed and climbs I wasn't able to join would ever be better than having him. They simply fail by comparison.

Thoughts on On Wally and Yosh scandal

To those who clicked this link to watch the video, sorry to disappoint you but I dont have it. As a married woman, the video was just very offensive and depressing on so many levels it triggered me to write about it.

It is depressing because Wally cheated on his wife, and for me, cheating is the worst form of cowardice. Cowardice because in its basic form, one cheats because there is something to gain from the new relationship and yet you refuse to let go of the longer relationship because it is your safety blanket, your fall back, or it is merely a circle of cowardice because you'd rather stay in both relationships because confrontation is much too daunting as compared to dangling two relationships.

It is depressing because Yosh cheated with a married man. No matter what her reasons or motives are, it is still cheating. No matter how much she enjoys their god-knows-how-often-of physical pleasure, she is doing it with a man that is not her rightful partner in whichever way you want to look at it.

It is offensive for the person who "leaked" it, because this video is not just about rumor mill- it is about a family that could possibly break apart, his children who would never be looked at in the same way, a marriage that has been tainted with adultery and their careers that could probably never be the same after this.

It is rude because of people like me because I am probably contributing even more to the buzz that this video is creating, all the more solidifying the negative effects it brought about.

And yet I am still posting this blog because as a wife I feel her pain already. It may not be it its fullest form, it may not be accurate, it may not be precise but I feel it. It is human nature to relate with others who are in one way or another, related to us, whether in happiness, sadness, anger or envy.. As proven by the interaction because of the billions of pesos taken by Napoles and her peers, we share the anger because that is our hard earned money that we could have used as our own but was taken unwillingly and yet we accept it as a way of life, as good citizens.

And so I am still writing this blog because wherever Riza Bayola is, I share her pain. I am praying for their marriage, that they will want to surpass this, that they will survive it, that the worst was over, and there will be more pictures that are similar to the one posted below.

Wally and his family. Credits to his site for this picture

5 things I learned about mountaineering

I was supposed to write this post in straight Tagalog for my post to have a patriotic vibe but I realized that I'd be a freaking hypocrite because I have never done that before so the most that I can do is do it in Tag-lish. Mali na kung mali, eh sa hindi swak kung purong Tagalog eh :P

Why write about it though, you might ask? I have been a mountaineer for five years so 5 is a pretty symbolic number right now. Technically, I started mountaineering in Feb 2013 but pregnancy hormones sucked all the mountaineering related creative juices and all I could think about at that time were cribs, mittens, diapers, labor milk and whatever pregnancy and motherhood related topic you can think of. Kagabi, para akong bida sa teleserye as I fried meatballs I wouldnt even eat- prepping for hubby's overnight climb this weekend(na hindi ako kasama) *sniff sniff, strokes of inspiration came by my brain that was getting fried together with the meatballs.hehehe

SA HINABA-HABA NG PASAKALYE KO, ANO NA BA NATUTUNAN KO SA LOOB NG LIMANG TAONG PAGIGING BUNDOKERA?

1.Lahat masarap sa bundok

You can either be a victim of this or benefit from it. Andami kong natikmang pagkain na ang sarap sarap sa bundok tapos nung kinain ko ulit sa "baba"(AKA normal circumstances within 10km radius of my beloved original recipe KFC) amfanget na ng lasa. Paninirang puri man sa kanila pero ang pinakamalala up-to-date, San Marino Tuna Embotido na pagkasarap sarap ng kainin ko sa campsite ng Mt. Gulugod Baboy pero nakakayamot ng kainin ko sa bahay namen.

mapanlinlang!!!!!!!!!!

2.Lagi kang may nakakalimutan

Pag sinuswerte ka, pwedeng wet wipes lang yan or ung extra trail food mo. Pero kung minamalas-malas ka, pwedeng ung undies mo o jacket mo sa Pulag climb mo ng December. Nung Tarak climb namin nakalimutan ko pala ang bigas kaya ayun, surprise surprise, gutuman nung lunch namin ng day 2. Buti nalang ung team lead namin may bigas pa from his previous climb, tawid gutom din.

circa 2009, Tarak Ridge, Bataan
busog pa kami sa kanin kaya happy faces pa ^_^ 

3. It's always your first time

To quote Gideon Lasco, you never climb the same mountain twice. Being with different people, climbing at a different time of the day and climbing at a different season, iba-iba talaga. I have been to Mt. Batulao 4 times- first in 2008, again in 2009, in 2010 and in 2011 pero iba ibang experiences talaga. I still plan on coming back because I'd still find it just as fulfilling as the first time around.

Unica Hija Batulao climb in 2009

Ze hubby and I nung chummy chummy magjowa palang kame, both also in Batulao

4.Twice a mountaineer, always a mountaineer

Not once, but twice. Nothing can prepare you for your first climb and you can either jump for joy or swear you'd never do it again. For me ang marker nun eh one year-if within the year you have another climb, aakyat at aakyat kana in the future pero kung hindi, ibig sabihin may bagay kang hindi nagustuhan sa pagbubundok- pwedeng ung gastos pwedeng yung mga nakasama mo o pwedeng yung obvious na obvious na dahilan na hindi lahat ng tao trip pahirapan ang sarili nilang maglakad ng ilang oras para lang uminom sa taas. hehehehe

L-R: Pico de Loro 2008, talikod keme keme pa ang peg ko
Pico de Loro January 2010(aha, nakapagsummit nako!) pose
Pico de Loro Oct 2010- Lasheng na lasheng sa The bar at Lambanog kaya parang tumira ng shabu sa picture

 5.Walang kadala dala!

But to rebuff the previous numbers, kapag mountaineer kana, wala nang atrasan yan. Kahit 2 oras lang tulog mo, akyat pa din. Kahit ung nanay mo sinasabutahe na gamit mo( "Ay hindi ko nakita yung tent mo, baka naitapon na ni (insert yaya's name) kasi akala di kailangan"), kahit halos gumapang kana nung huling socials dahil sa kalasingan, excited kanang umakyat ulit. Madalas sa socials palang ng huling climb pinaplano nyo na yung next climb, ganun kayo kaexcited.

clockwise: Anawangin/Mt Pundaquit, Mt Pulag, Mt. Timbak and Osmena Peak, significant climbs to date

Siguro may iba pa pero para sa akin yan ang mga pinakamatimbang. And how ironic that I decided to write this when I havent set foot on a mountain for seven months. Or maybe it is not ironic since I miss hiking a lot and as they say, absence makes the heart go fonder. Di bale, 3 months na ang bebe boy ko and sometime soon, I'll climb another mountain with him, his first of many hiking trips to come.

Ta-tuh!

Post Partum Depression aka Baliw-baliwan after manganak

I never thought I'd have Post Partum Depression for one simple reason: Reese was, is, and always will be the greatest blessing that God has given us as a couple. Before getting pregnant, I actually feared that I might never bear a child. My weight then was borderline obese and there were months when my period would skip- when there's too much stress or a major change that happened. My OB actually asked me to lose weight to increase my chances of getting pregnant and after five months, Reese came into our lives.

Even while it was happening, it was hard to admit that I was depressed. However, when it came to a point when I refused to talk to my husband and I cried every time I got up to feed Reese at night, I had to admit that I needed help, or at the very least, needed to let somebody know before it got out of control.Basically, there were three categories that caused my depression: Taking Care of Reese, My Husband, and My Support Group

1. Taking Care of Reese

One of the hardest The hardest thing about taking care of Reese was getting up despite the fact that I was so sleepy. Before pregnancy, my body wanted at least 7 hours of sleep and so if I sleep for less than 6 hours, I consider myself puyat. In the final stretch of my pregnancy, however, sleep was very elusive and of course, it did not improve after giving birth because I had to take care of a growing baby. There were days when I was so groggy that I'd stare at his milk for seconds as if I am unsure what to do. Also, my cs incision still hurt up until 7 weeks after I gave birth and there were days when I wished somebody would take my place, where there is a magical place where we can leave kids ala package counter if we wish to since I was also recovering from the operation.

Somebody turns very very red when milk gets delayed. :P

2. My Husband

Though others may deny it, marriage involves a love and hate relationship and in those times when I was feeling down, it was more so than ever. I felt like my husband was going into extremes- there were days when I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs because I felt like he had no idea what I was going through and there were days when he was overprotective (and he didnt need to) and annoying. In the first few weeks, I was the only one who got up at night and I was angry and hurt emotionally. I felt like it wasnt fair since we are both parents and it was even harder for me since I just went through the operation. I also feared that the same set up would continue once I work again and I thought it was unacceptable- I work just as hard and we should share the workload and hardship of getting up at night. My self esteem was also at an all time low- I was never slim and since a few pounds added up to my already heavy body, I feared that he'll be unfaithful and I suspected everybody and I mean everybody- from our son's yaya to other people we know to random people I see on his Facebook account.

3. My Support Group

Let's define my support group as my family, my relatives, in-laws, my friends and acquaintances who interact with me after becoming a mom. To wrap it up, I felt like each person was a nosy, know-it-all, annoying, insensitive person who didnt understand what I was going through. I felt like they asked too many questions that I wasnt willing to answer. However, there were also instances when I felt like they were being insensitive and should give me more credit for what I went through. I felt like they gave too much advice- some of which I agreed with and some which I didnt. I felt like they were judging me for my choices as a mother.  

Which brings me to my next point... How did I overcome 'em all? All the craziness, paranoia and negative emotions?

1. I had to accept what I was going through and that I needed to discuss it with someone-either my husband or my mom. 

One Friday afternoon, I finally burst into tears after not talking to my husband all day. I think he never fully understood what I felt and just said "Huwag kana kasi masyado mag-isip" but just letting it all out was enough to make me feel loads better. Since then, he also shared the task of getting up at night and though he still leaves up the task of changing dirty nappies to me, it was loads better than having to do everything by myself.

2. I had to remind myself that it was still the hormones talking

All the craziness of pregnancy- higher blood pressure, extreme swelling, being too emotionally sensitive and unstable didnt subside until the 4th week after I gave birth. I gave birth on the 38th week so technically it was two weeks after my due date that my body started to realize that the hormones- and all the craziness that came with it should go away. I literally felt loads lighter emotionally when it happened and it was amazing.

I feel loads lighter after coming to terms with myself. Motherhood is fun!

3. I had to be kinder to myself.
Honestly, half most of the things that brought me stress post partum were caused by my paranoia and over thinking. I had to remember that though I had to take care of Reese, I had needs of my own that I needed to address. I had to remember that the people around me only had the best intentions in whatever they said. I had to remember that my husband married me because he loved me and it would take more than a few extra pounds and a cs scar to change his mind.

Eight Years and Twenty Pounds Later since we became a couple, We're happy parents to a chubby baby boy ('',)

Lastly, taking loads of pictures of Reese was fun...and made spending time with him extra special.It felt like if I blinked, he'd grow a full centimeter and I'd miss it. :D

Hard to believe that these are pictures of the same boy
Left: Reese at 2 weeks and Right: Reese at 10 weeks

Until the next thought bubble comes to life. Tah-tuh!